Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Stop People Pleasing and Start Honoring You!

180: How to Feel Your Feelings: A Cheat Code for Life, with Kellyn Legath

• MaryAnn Walker, Kellyn Legath • Episode 180

Share episode

Send us a text

Is your “positive mindset” actually emotional avoidance in disguise? In this episode of Inner Work with MaryAnn Walker, I’m joined once again by guest Kellyn Legath for an honest conversation about the difference between true positive thinking and emotional bypassing. Together, we explore how to sit with and process uncomfortable emotions, why they matter, and how shifting your relationship with avoided feelings can unlock deeper healing and empowerment.

What You’ll Learn in This Episode

  • The difference between positive thinking and emotional bypassing
  • How to sit with emotions rather than suppress them
  • Why emotions aren’t positive or negative—but valuable information
  • Real-life role plays that show what it looks like to process emotions like sadness, anger, and anxiety
  • How curiosity can help you uncover the truth behind your emotions
  • Grounding practices and simple tools to support emotional regulation
  • How emotions can act as “cheat codes” to identify unmet needs and map a plan for getting them met

Challenge for the Week
Notice where you might be using “positivity” to avoid uncomfortable feelings. This week, choose one emotion you usually avoid and practice sitting with it. Get curious: What is this feeling trying to tell you? What need is it pointing you toward?

Work With Me
If you’re ready to stop bypassing your emotions and start listening to them as valuable guides, I’d love to support you. Book a free clarity call today and let’s explore what working together could look like: Book here: https://calendly.com/maryannwalkerlife/freeconsult
.

Don’t Forget to Subscribe
If you haven’t already, be sure to follow Inner Work with MaryAnn Walker so you never miss an episode!

Links Mentioned in This Episode

  • The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk: https://amzn.to/3Voj1OH

Connect with MaryAnn Walker!

Book Your FREE Clarity Call: https://calendly.com/maryannwalkerlife/freeconsult
Contact me: https://maryannwalker.life/contact-me
Follow on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/maryannwalker.life/
Follow on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/maryannwalker.life
Follow on TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@maryannwalker.life

Connect with Kellyn Legath: 

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/daydreamercoaching/

Other Links: https://bio.site/daydreamer?fbclid=PAZXh0bgNhZW0CMTEAAadHHKuglgXR4iC8g_c7amm4N8mNN7M4vYHFKwFQOEd1cLtvCbV9jGlMubeqtw_aem_C5FnuHOJ9prsPYcdkiSnKA

Book Recommendation: 

The Body Keeps The Score: https://amzn.to/3IQIIop

MaryAnn Walker:

well, hello and welcome back. I am so excited to have Kellyn Legath back on the show. It has been a hot minute since you've been on Kellyn. It has, and I'm so excited to be back. I feel like our

Kellyn Legath:

conversations, we we're always like, let's keep going. And there's always so much to talk about. Perfect.

MaryAnn Walker:

Yeah, I just love it. So for those of you that haven't met Kellyn yet, I absolutely adore her. I believe that everybody, including coaches, need coaches and Kellyn has become mine. And so I just love, like, I think a lot of people are going to relate to the idea that I think for many people, pleasers, myself included, I have an easier time sitting with other people's emotions than I do my own emotions. And so something I deeply appreciated about Kellyn is she really helps me to bring it back to self, to remind myself how to feel and process emotions because I'm human too. And I've noticed for myself when I am feeling tired, when I'm feeling extra big emotions, sometimes I just need a little bit more support. And so when this particular, thread popped up on Instagram that people were getting excited about and Kellyn was like, oh my gosh, yes. So true. Then I was like, okay, good. We need to bring Kellyn on to actually talk about this.'cause it's a very big deal. So, yeah. So thank you so much for being here, Kellyn, and I'm excited to jump in.

Kellyn Legath:

Oh, me too. I, this is gonna be a juicy topic. I feel like there's a lot,

MaryAnn Walker:

there's a lot here. Yeah. So first I'm going to read you the Instagram posts that we're going to be referencing. Several of you commented on this, and then,, we're gonna kind of just dive into it. So the Instagram post says a lot of people are practicing emotional avoidance and calling it a positive mindset. But positivity that bypasses pain isn't healing, it's suppression. And suppressed emotions don't disappear. They fester, they resurface. They sabotage relationships. Self-worth and nervous system safety. You don't have to"good vibes only" your way through grief, disappointment, or anger, you are allowed to feel deeply and hold onto hope. You are allowed to name what is hard without labeling yourself as negative. Healing invites all of you to the table, even the most messy, uncomfortable parts. Real positivity isn't about ignoring the pain, it's about being honest with it and still choosing to move forward. So kind of using that as our premise today, we're going to really kind of break this down into three different components. So first, we're gonna talk about the difference between positive thinking and emotional bypassing, how to sit with emotions, and then how to change your relationship with the emotions that you are avoiding. So, Kellyn, let's just jump right in. Okay. So what, for you, how would you define the difference between positive thinking and emotional bypassing through that lens of toxic positivity?

Kellyn Legath:

Yeah. Uh, positive thinking is really to me, thinking intentionally. And, and what I mean by that is really tuning into yourself and saying, okay. What's true here? I, I think people, I, I always use the phrase rainbows and butterflies, and that came from, um, our own coach training, but I think it really resonates so much where like, people wanna go to the land of rainbows and butterflies of positive. Yeah. It's all good and good vibes. Only the perfect example in your intro, right? Yeah. Um, or don't worry about it, you know, and it's, it's like. Sure. But you're, you're jumping so far from what's really true and, and I think that's a really important aspect of what you said in your intro as well. It's like, it's about truth. It's a, it's really about like, does this feel good to me? And that's more positive. Even 1% is more positive than like everything is terrible, right? Mm-hmm. You're not gonna go from everything is absolutely ter, absolutely terrible to. No big deal. Everything's, it's all good. It's all gonna work out, right?

Kellyn Legaath:

Yeah.

Kellyn Legath:

And that brings me to like the emotional bypass, right? Mm-hmm. Um, anytime there is an emotional bypass, it's sort of a stuffing or a pushing down of the real truth of the emotion of, of what you're feeling. Um, a lot of times it's like, oh, it doesn't really matter, or I shouldn't, shoulds shouldn't Yourself is a big one. Mm-hmm. Right. I shouldn't care. I should be over this. Um, I shouldn't be talking about this so much. I don't know why this is bothering me. Let's just move on. Right. It's sort of this suppression of what's honest and true for what you're e experiencing. Mm-hmm. Um, so to me that's, that's. What it comes down to, boils down to.

MaryAnn Walker:

Yeah. Yeah. I love that. Yeah. For me, I kind of think of positive thinking as the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I think. I think that when people are negative people, then they're the ones that are only focusing on the negative and they have a hard time seeing a. Okay, what's the good that's coming out of this? And also the toxic positivity is refusing to see the hard, right? So it's kind of like, okay, well what's the truth? The whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Because all of life is both of those things, right? Mm-hmm. So it's saying, yes, this is hard and right. It's the this and these two things can both be true at the same time. I don't have to. It, it's not mutually exclusive. Right. It doesn't mean that because things are hard, I can't be happy and it doesn't mean, you know, and the reverse is also not true. Right. And then like that emotional bypassing is, yeah, like I said, like it's, it's kind of that suppression like, okay, well I don't wanna feel that. I love how you brought up the shoulds, right? Like, oh, well I should be over it by now. I shouldn't be feeling this. Well, they should be feeling this way instead. Right? Like when you notice those shoulds, I think that's like the number one thing that lets me know that, okay, maybe I'm trying to like emotionally bypass this. I'm not actually sitting with my emotions.

Kellyn Legath:

Totally. And I think I wanna just highlight something you said.'cause I think it's really important of the, it it really. Does sort of boil down to black and white thinking. Hmm.

Like

Kellyn Legath:

negativity is like, this is really terrible. Everything's bad, nothing's working. And then positivity is like, everything's great. No worries. Rainbows and butterflies, right? Mm-hmm. Like thunderstorms and tornadoes and rainbows and butterflies, and it's like we're trying what? What the truth of the matter is of like true emotional processing is being able to sit in that gray area. Being able to sit with the discomfort. And I think that's an important, a really, really important aspect because so often people are like, Nope, it has to be good or it has to be bad. Or like, there is so much discomfort in that gray area because we're not taught to sit there. Right? Mm-hmm. I, I feel like every time I come onto your podcast, I always go into my rant about like, this is a societal thing. Yeah. Like anybody that's listening, if they're like, oh, that's me, or, that feels really bad, and you start to notice some shame, like, I just wanna. You know, plant the seed that, think about the way our society is. We're not taught to process our emotions. Men are told they'll, they're too emotional. Women are told they're too emotional, and if, mm-hmm. See life through that lens automatically you, what you're learning is emotions are bad, right? Emotional expression is bad, or feeling a big emotion is bad.

Kellyn Legaath:

Yeah. So

Kellyn Legath:

we're, we're back to

MaryAnn Walker:

black and white, bad and good. Absolutely. Well, and then the two emotional, right? Mm-hmm. It's like, okay. Too emotional for who? Yes, exactly. Like most of the time when it's like, oh, well, they're too emotional. It's because we are having a hard time emotionally processing the fact that somebody's having a feeling. It's creating a feeling for us, so we're experiencing that resistance. It's like, well, if I can just judge it and make them wrong mm-hmm. Then I won't have to process my feelings, which is bypassing, right? It's like, no, I'm right. It's bypassing everybody around me.

Kellyn Legath:

Totally. And we're back again to black and white, right? Mm-hmm. Right or wrong. Me or me or them, like who's, who's to blame me or you. Right. It's, yeah. It's choose one or the other and it's just, it's not that.

MaryAnn Walker:

Yeah. Yeah. So one of the questions that I got on social media was basically like, but how do you sit with emotions? Because I don't want to sit with the negativity emotions. Why would you want to sit with the negative emotions? Yeah. What are your thoughts on that? Oh, so many thoughts.

Kellyn Legath:

Um, okay. The first thing is, you know, this is a sort of, um. What, what's the word I'm looking for? Just like a blanket statement, you know, to simplify it to really dumb it down. Mm-hmm. But if you're intellectualizing and over and talking about an emotion, you're not processing it.

Kellyn Legaath:

Mm-hmm.

Kellyn Legath:

Right. I always say like, over overthinking is under feeling. Right. So much of what we do is up here. Think especially in therapy in our minds. Processing is a body experience. So mind is intellectualizing thinking, oh, I'm really angry. Processing is in the body.

Kellyn Legaath:

Mm-hmm.

Kellyn Legath:

Feeling into where is anger showing up? Where do I feel my heart pounding and my fists are clenched and my jaw is tight. That's the processing. It's being able to map it within your. Your body.

Mm-hmm.

Kellyn Legath:

Um, that's, that's the biggest thing. Um, and then to answer the second part of like, why would you want to, you're like, that sounds terrible. Yeah. You're like, what do you mean? Why would I sit with anger? Or I'll use sadness.'cause I think that's one that, especially for me, has always been, um, a really. Hard emotion to open up to.

Kellyn Legaath:

Mm-hmm.

Kellyn Legath:

Because I'm like, oh, sadness feels so terrible. It feels just, you know, a deep emotional feeling in my chest, in my gut. You know, we can talk about chakras probably in, in all of that, but, um, save that for another podcast maybe. Um, but you know, I think it goes back to what we're saying in the beginning of when you're repressing an emotion, it has nowhere to go.

Kellyn Legaath:

Mm-hmm.

Kellyn Legath:

Right. It you're just pushing it down. Pushing it down, and, and I can't say this enough. I think this is an analogy I use with my clients. I'm wondering if you use it too, um, about the beach, A beach ball. Um, suppressing an emotion or bypassing emotion is like holding a beach fall underwater. And I think this is such a perfect analogy because we all know that when we're like that feeling right, and it's like fun and it's playful, and you're like, sure, we don't have to worry about that, but it always pops back up.

Kellyn Legaath:

Mm-hmm.

Kellyn Legath:

And you know, emotions are energy. They need somewhere to go, they need something to do, or else they end up sitting in your body and, you know, it can lead to illness and so many other things, right? Mm-hmm. It's for your own benefit. Um, another analogy I often use is like, when you don't process your emotions, it's like carrying a backpack full of rocks. Imagine you go through your whole day and you're like, oh, bad emotion. I'm not gonna look at it. And you put a rock in your backpack. Mm-hmm. And then you keep walking again and you're like, oh, my boss said this really mean thing, and it upset me. Oh, now I'm putting another rock in my backpack. And you get to the end of your day and you're so weighed down

Kellyn Legaath:

by

Kellyn Legath:

all this emotion that you're not able to sit with and process. And it's, it's exhausting. That's where like emotional exhaustion comes in, right? Mm-hmm. You're like, why am I always so tired? I'm like, well, because. You're not processing your emotions or you're not thinking intentionally. Going back to the mind part of this.

Kellyn Legaath:

Mm-hmm.

Kellyn Legath:

Um, you're either bypassing it or getting more angry or, you know, whatever it is. So,

MaryAnn Walker:

yeah. Yeah. And then that's when we emotionally react and then it, that's when we label ourselves as being, oh, I'm too emotional. I'm too outta control. Right. Yeah. Right. I love what you said about how overthinking is under feeling. Like, I wanna just talk about that one for just a second, because I think especially when you've been doing the work, when you know, like we're, we're both coaches, right? So like for me, I'm like, no, I should be able to logic my way out of this because I know that my thoughts are creating my feelings, so I just need to change my thoughts. Yeah. And then I'll be working with Kel and she's like, Nope, remember, we're gonna feel our feelings first. And then when you also talked about how, yeah, like it's going to. Be trapped in the body. A book that I love is The Body Keeps the Score. I'm gonna definitely be leaving that one in the show notes, but it is really interesting to see how emotions manifest in the body, how they do impact our physical health and wellness. And so when we think that these things aren't impacting us, they really are. And it can be interesting to, even as I'm coaching with people to see. The correlation between, you know, I think a lot of people pleasers, they may have back pain because they're bending over backwards to help other people. They might have neck and shoulder pain because the weight of the world is on their shoulders. Like these are very common things. Sore throats. I was just gonna say sore throat.

Kellyn Legath:

I used to

MaryAnn Walker:

get a

Kellyn Legath:

sore throat all the time. I really. I hardly get them anymore.

MaryAnn Walker:

Yeah.'cause they're not speaking their truth. They're not stating a boundary, but that all of these things that we stuff down, they are impacting us. We think, well, if I can just pretend it doesn't bother me, but your body is gonna let you know that, Hey, guess what? You're still holding onto that.

Kellyn Legath:

Yeah,

MaryAnn Walker:

yeah, yeah.

Kellyn Legath:

It's so, so important to just Yeah. You know, and, and it goes back to truth, right? Mm-hmm. It goes back to what we're talking about at the top of the episode of, of what's true for you. Yeah. Just'cause you're experiencing doesn't mean it's bad and. To your point too about like, you know, being in a session with me and wanting to solve it. Yeah. Actually it's like, of course, because there is a degree of, of perception or the, I always say the story that you wanna tell.

Kellyn Legaath:

Mm-hmm.

Kellyn Legath:

Um, and, and reframing what's going on in your experience. But everybody jumps ahead to that trying to, to feel better instead. Doing the emotional processing and it's like that's where the pain comes in, right? Yeah. It's like, oh, I have this thought. Let me change the thought. And it's like, wait, you're missing a step in the middle. Yes, you're trying to hop across the bridge when there's a stepping stone in the middle that you're, you're, you know, missing. Yeah. And then you fall into the water.

MaryAnn Walker:

Yes, exactly. Okay, so along that line here, I thought it would be really fun for us to do a little bit of a role play. So knowing my audience here, I thought we'd do two different role plays. So Kellyn's in on this, it's gonna be great. So we're gonna do kind of just a model of what it might look like in coaching. We're just gonna make these five minutes or less for each one. But, uh, so. If we're gonna talk about how to navigate your own emotions and then also how to navigate it when you're upset that somebody else is having an emotion, right? So sometimes it's what's impacting us and sometimes it's the other people are having emotions, but it really comes back to. Us navigating our own discomfort and learning how to n navigate all of that. So first we're gonna start with, um, Kellyn. Kellyn is going to be my client today, and Kellyn is just fresh out of a relationship and well, you know, it's been a while, but she's just feeling some negative emotions still that she thinks she should be over. So we'll just jump on in. All right, so Kellyn, hey, thanks so much for coming to coaching today. What's going on? I

Kellyn Legath:

just, I wanna be over this relationship. It's affecting me. I, I'm anxious, I keep dwelling on it, and I feel so sad all the time.

Kellyn Legaath:

Mm-hmm.

Kellyn Legath:

Um, and it's been so long and I, I just, I don't wanna feel this way. And I'm like, I know he's not right for me. And I know the relationship wasn't healthy and I thought about the things that he did and didn't do. And, you know, I understand that I made mistakes in the relationship too, but it's, it's still bothering me. I don't, I wanna move on.

MaryAnn Walker:

Yeah, so that's really interesting'cause it sounds like you feel like it's been long enough, you're kind of shooting on yourself. So how long has it been, when did you guys break up? Um, it's been two months. Two months. Okay. And so you, after two months, you feel like, okay, and I should be a hundred percent over this and kind of back out there. Mm-hmm. So it sounds like there's kind of two things happening for you. You're kind of sitting on your, I mean, you're going, first of all, feeling uncomfortable about the relationship and still healing from that, which is human. But it's gonna be really hard to even get to the heart of those emotions and, and healing from the relationship. When on top of that you're adding shame thinking, well, I should be further along in my healing. So which one do you wanna sit with first? Do you wanna sit with the shame first? Or, or just the sadness around and the grief around the loss of the relationship.'cause those are two separate things. Yeah, I'm, I think the sadness. Okay. Yeah. So let's kind of sit with that. Yeah. So how long were you dating this guy?

Kellyn Legath:

Um, we were together for about a year.

MaryAnn Walker:

Yeah. Yeah. And it makes sense that you'd be feeling sad at that loss, right? Yeah. So where, how does that sadness feel for you? Let's just kind of sit with it for a minute. Where is it? Where is it in your body?

Kellyn Legath:

Um, it's in my chest and it's in my throat, and I can feel, as you're asking me these questions, I feel like I want to run, I wanna pull out of this conversation.

MaryAnn Walker:

Yeah, that makes sense, right? Because you've been resisting that sadness. You've been resisting the sadness and shaming it, so there's that part of you that's ashamed that you're feeling it. There's that part of you that wants to run away. We're just gonna acknowledge those parts and just say, okay, yep, I, it makes sense. You're trying to protect me from feeling the sadness, but it's safe to feel it now. Mm-hmm. And as we can sit with it, then we can really kind of process it and move on. Yeah. So let's kind of just acknowledge that resistance and bring it back to the sadness.

Kellyn Legaath:

Okay.

MaryAnn Walker:

You said you were feeling it in your throat and in your chest. What does it feel like? My throat feels tight.

Kellyn Legaath:

Mm-hmm.

Kellyn Legath:

Um, and my chest. My chest actually feels better since you sort of. Brought me back. Mm-hmm. Like, set the resistances there and, and brought it back. It, but it does feel just, um, I feel a lot of, like a little bit of pressure in my chest. Like it almost is like an elephant is sitting on it.

MaryAnn Walker:

Yeah. Yeah. So let's just kind of observe that for a little bit.

Kellyn Legaath:

Mm-hmm.

MaryAnn Walker:

We're just noticing that feeling of the elephant on your chest. And I want you to just kind of let it be for a minute rather than resisting it. Rather than shaming it. Just acknowledge it. That, yeah. I feel really sad and it feels like there's an elephant on my chest.

Kellyn Legath:

I, I recognize that this is a thought, but I, I'm thinking this doesn't feel good.

MaryAnn Walker:

Yeah. Yeah. And why does grief and sadness need to feel good?

Kellyn Legaath:

Hmm.

MaryAnn Walker:

Because recognizing that, okay, well, yeah, of course it doesn't feel good. It's o it's okay for it to not feel good. You know, sometimes we shame ourselves for having that grief and that sadness.

Kellyn Legaath:

Mm-hmm.

MaryAnn Walker:

But that's a part of life and it's okay. It, it's safe to have those emotions. Mm-hmm. It's okay to mourn the loss of a relationship. How does that elephant feel now?

Kellyn Legath:

The elephant feels better. I really feel it in my throat.

MaryAnn Walker:

Hmm. Just

Kellyn Legath:

a tightness, like a bubble?

MaryAnn Walker:

Yeah. Yeah. Tell me more about that. What's happening in your throat? Um,

Kellyn Legath:

just feels like, um, like stuck energy is how I'm gonna describe it. Obviously, I don't feel constricted. I can talk and I can respond to you. But it feels,

MaryAnn Walker:

it feels kind of hot. Yeah. And that makes sense. Yeah. A lot of people, when I talk with'em about their grief and their sadness, especially if they've been resisting it, it's almost like they, they just need to let it out. They just, it's almost like a lump in their throat, like they wanna cry.

Kellyn Legaath:

Mm-hmm.

MaryAnn Walker:

Have you been able to give yourself space to just feel that sadness and let that flow? Mm-hmm.

Kellyn Legath:

Not in this way. No. I've been thinking a lot about how I don't want it to be here.

MaryAnn Walker:

Yeah. Yeah. And I'm gonna go back 20 of your earlier thoughts that part of you feels like you should be done with it. Mm-hmm. Sometimes we even tell ourselves, oh, well I did cry, so now I should be done.

Kellyn Legaath:

Mm-hmm.

MaryAnn Walker:

But grief and sadness kind of comes in waves.

Kellyn Legaath:

Mm-hmm.

Kellyn Legath:

Even just talking about it now and tuning into it, I can feel it sort of feels a lot less.

Kellyn Legaath:

Mm-hmm.

Kellyn Legath:

It feels like it's like a, like a sandcastle, like pieces of it are kind of breaking off and going into the water and it's still there, but it feels less,

MaryAnn Walker:

yeah. Awesome. Well, thank you so much for sharing. Yeah. So you can kind of see through that just little mini real play post that was highly condensed. But the, it's always interesting to see the different emotions that come up. Right? So there was the sadness and the grief. There's also the shame, there's also the resistance, and we can just acknowledge each of those. Sometimes when we're trying so hard to feel and process a specific emotion, we're just gonna bury it in other emotions, right? And we can eventually get to those other emotions. But when we can really get to the. Root of the emotions. It's really cool to see how those other ones, they just kind of loosen their grip. Mm-hmm. Basically, those other emotions are just there to protect us. The emotional, you don't wanna experience a negative emotion. Right?

Kellyn Legath:

Yeah. Yeah. And I think, sorry to cut you off, the emotional stacking, right. The kind of, oh, I'm mad about being sad.

Kellyn Legaath:

Mm-hmm.

Kellyn Legath:

Right. I'm annoyed, I'm frustrated about being. About grieving the loss of this friendship. Yeah. I'm so angry, right? Mm-hmm. And I think, um, that, that so happens, that happens. I see that most often in, in session with people. It's like we, yeah. We have to peel them off one at a time, right? Yeah. To, to your point, you know, ideally, and, and there's no right or wrong. I'll, I'll. All emotions lead to Rome, right? Mm-hmm. But, um, you know, ideally it's like, first we, we have to peel the first layer off of like, why are you shaming yourself for, for feeling sad, right? Mm-hmm. Yeah. And find out what's going on there. Because once you can understand that, oh, I feel like I feel stupid, that I felt too hard, and, you know mm-hmm. Peel that layer back, then you can kind of access the sadness, right?

Kellyn Legaath:

Yeah.

Kellyn Legath:

But if there's a bunch of barnacles on it, it's like we can't get to it. We can't get to the.

MaryAnn Walker:

Yeah.

Kellyn Legath:

The root.

MaryAnn Walker:

Yeah. So good. Okay, now we're gonna switch the roles a little bit. And Kellyn's now gonna coach me. I am a client. I'm having a really hard time with my siblings being in a fight. We'll just go ahead and jump right in. Great.

Kellyn Legath:

Hi. It's

MaryAnn Walker:

so good to see you, Marianne. Hi. Tell me what's going on. What are we coaching on today? Well, my siblings are in a big fight and I just hate it. I, I just don't know why they can't just forgive each other and move on. They just needed change. They should not be treating each other this way. Why? Why do you want them to forgive each other and move on? Well, I mean, they should, right? They, you do for family. They should just forgive each other. This is family. They should be loving each other and they shouldn't be treating each other this way. I just can't stand it.

Kellyn Legath:

Hmm.

MaryAnn Walker:

Tell me why they should be doing that. Well, they're supposed to aren't they? Isn't family supposed to like each other and be nice?

Kellyn Legath:

What if part of being a family is, is being human and having human emotions and being angry and

MaryAnn Walker:

holding grudges? Well, first of all, they shouldn't be angry. Like, don't they even see how this is impacting me? It's impacting me. It's impacting the whole family. Like it's not even about them. Can't they see how much it's impacting everybody? Mm-hmm. Why is it impacting you? Well, it's really uncomfortable for me. I mean, I want my family to get along. Mm-hmm. You know, the holidays are coming up and I want us to be able to be together, and I don't wanna be worried about the conversations. I don't wanna be worried about if somebody's gonna show up or not, or who's gonna sit by who, or if there's gonna be a big fight. I, I just, I don't want that. I just want it to be peaceful.

Kellyn Legath:

Hmm. What, what is most prevalent to you? Is it the worry? Is it the discomfort? What are you feeling most?

MaryAnn Walker:

I think I'm just scared. I'm scared that my family's falling apart.

Kellyn Legath:

Mm.

MaryAnn Walker:

Okay. Yeah.

Kellyn Legath:

Tell me about that fear. What does, what does feeling scared feel like in your body?

MaryAnn Walker:

It feels really chaotic. I, I don't like it, like I wanna jump out of my skin. It, it just feels like everything's out of my control and, and that. It makes me scared. I, I, there's too many things I can't predict. Hmm. Just taking a

Kellyn Legath:

second and, and just take notice of your body and you can put your feet on the ground. Mm-hmm. And ground down for a second and just tune in when you think my family is falling apart. If, let me know if you notice any sensations in your body. It could be from your head. You could do a body scan from top to bottom. Mm-hmm. You could start at your feet and work your way up, but do you notice anything? You think that?

MaryAnn Walker:

Yeah. I mean, underneath that, I, I think I feel a lot of sadness. Hmm. Like, once that, that fear kind of stopped, just scrambling my energy. Like, I, I just feel sad. It's like I'm having grief before anything's even really happened, it's just me assuming that it's all gonna fall apart. Yeah. And

Kellyn Legath:

where do you, I see you holding your chest. Where do you notice sadness?

MaryAnn Walker:

Yeah, it's sad in my heart. Like my heart is just heavy.

Kellyn Legath:

Hmm. Feels heavy.

MaryAnn Walker:

Yeah, it feels heavy and dark and, and closed.

Kellyn Legath:

Mm-hmm. Yeah. And, and what about, um, a, the speed of it? Does sadness feel really fast? Does it feel slow? You mentioned chaotic. The fear felt a little chaotic, but how does sadness feel?

MaryAnn Walker:

Yeah, the fear was all over the place, but the sadness is like a heavy stone. It's just, it's dark, it's cold, it's heavy. Yeah.

Kellyn Legath:

And if we just allow knowing that your mind wants to solve this problem or thinks that this or agree argument in your family is a problem, right? Mm-hmm. Knowing that your mind wants it to go away, knowing your mind wants it to feel better, what if we just allowed the sadness to be there just to witness it, not try to change it. We're not trying to keep it around either, but just to witness it and just to sit with it and pull up a chair. Let it eat it.

MaryAnn Walker:

Yeah. I mean, honestly, when you say that, it does feel a little bit better because when I really think about it, if my family were falling apart, I would wanna be sad. I wouldn't wanna be happy. I wouldn't want any other emotion like it. It makes sense that I, like I, if I could choose an emotion around that, I would choose to just be sad.

Kellyn Legaath:

Right,

Kellyn Legath:

right. Sometimes sadness is the correct emotional response. You went exactly to what you said. You don't wanna be happy, right? The goal is never to be just. Positive, thinking positively about your family when things are not, that's not the reality of it. Right?

MaryAnn Walker:

Yeah. And it's strange that even just acknowledging that, like in that situation, that hasn't even happened yet, right? Like I'm just, this is just in my imagination, but just acknowledging that okay, if that happened, I, it would be a choice for me to be sad about it. Like, it's funny that, that makes me feel lighter. It makes just giving myself permission to be sad about them having a hard time. Is that weird that it makes me feel a little bit better?

Kellyn Legath:

Not at all. Of course, giving yourself permission is taking the power from the external and knowing that you are in control of your emotions. That you're allowing them to be there, that it's okay that they're there. It's full permission of your emotional experience.

MaryAnn Walker:

Well, it's also interesting. I'm also noticing that just accepting the sadness, that it actually helps me to love them better, because now I'm not angry with them as much. I don't have as much anger and resentment towards them.

Kellyn Legath:

Right. Right. And then that's interesting with that anger. Anger, there's, there's less of a forcefulness in trying to fix or solve for their, their argument.

MaryAnn Walker:

Yeah.

Kellyn Legath:

Right.

MaryAnn Walker:

Yeah. Awesome. Okay. Well, so as you guys will notice, neither of us really tried to fix the emotion for the other person. Like we were just a witness. We encourage curiosity and the emotions naturally shift, and that's what's so fascinating is we create so much more what we resist persists. And so when we're resisting the negativity emotion, we actually compounding it. As we talked about those compounding emotions. We're adding an. On top of it, we're adding mostly a lot of shame is the most common one that I see in my practice is the shame that things should be different or I should be better. I shouldn't be feeling this feeling and then judgment,

Kellyn Legath:

right? Mm-hmm. Judgment is the other one, like really judging themselves around,

MaryAnn Walker:

yeah, you get over this or. I'm being too dramatic, right? Yeah, yeah. And all we did was just get curious about it. I think that curiosity is so healing of just, oh, okay, well is there a different emotion I would choose to feel in the situation? You know, where it's like, no, that's, that's actually a pretty good emotion to feel in in those circumstances, that I'm okay with feeling sad if that's my circumstance. And so it is just really interesting to see how that curiosity and just having permission to feel that alone can help to lighten so much.

Kellyn Legath:

Truly, truly the, the permission is everything, right? Because again, it goes back to that, that beach ball.

Kellyn Legaath:

Mm-hmm.

Kellyn Legath:

The permission is just like letting the beach ball float around on top of the water and let the wind take it and let it be there, and eventually it blows outta the pool.

Kellyn Legaath:

Yeah.

Kellyn Legath:

And. And the, the, the resistance of it is pushing it down. You're using so much energy then you're not enjoying your time in the pool.

MaryAnn Walker:

Yep, exactly. And

Kellyn Legath:

then you're tired and you're like,

MaryAnn Walker:

I can't kick anymore. And, you know. Yeah. So that leads into our third talking point, which is how to change your relationship with the emotions that you've been avoiding.

Kellyn Legath:

I love this topic. I, you know, this was such an eyeopening moment for me in my own healing journey. Mm-hmm. Your, your thoughts with. About anything.

Kellyn Legaath:

Mm-hmm.

Kellyn Legath:

Is the root of your relationship with that thing.

Kellyn Legaath:

Mm-hmm.

Kellyn Legath:

So if your thoughts about money are, money is terrible, you're gonna have a terrible relationship with money. Right? If your thoughts around your mom are negative, you're gonna have a negative experience. You know, with your mom.

Kellyn Legaath:

Mm-hmm.

Kellyn Legath:

And the same goes for emotions, right? If you think sadness and anger, um, are wrong or bad, you're, you're going to be resisting those most often.

Kellyn Legaath:

Mm-hmm.

Kellyn Legath:

And, um, you know, I, the, the perfect example, I always love to give this example is jealousy, right? Mm-hmm. And to me, this goes back to. To societal programming around our, our society says if you're a jealous person, that's so bad. Mm-hmm. Jealousy is bad. It makes you bitchy, it makes you insecure, it makes you all of these things, right? Yes. And I think as I was going through my healing journey, I, I really investigated that and I. Got a reframe through a podcast that I always used to listen to, and they were like, oh, jealousy is is showing you what you want. It's it. It's not about the other person. It's sort of this soul recognition, this desire of, Hey, I. I want this thing. Right. And I think, I think people listening can really relate. Like, have you ever had a friend that's like, has a boyfriend and you find yourself acting jealous or feeling jealous? Yeah. And you're like, I don't even like that guy. I'm not even attracted to him. Right. You're looking at like the material thing and trying to, to make sense of it. And it's not about that, right? Yeah. There's a deeper, there's a deeper soul knowing of like, sure, you might not want him, you not, might not be jealous of. Like that person in particular. Mm-hmm. But what you're jealous of is, um, a nurturing person, right? Mm-hmm. You might see him open the car door for her or carry her bags and you're like, oh, I desire support. Right? Yeah. When I changed this mindset around jealousy, I, it became like one of my favorite emotions. Like, I'm like, oh, look at this. It's a cheat code, right? I'm like, oh, look at this thing that I really want, right? And I'm like, oh, I'm so like, I'll, I'll name it in such a. An obvious way. I'm like, oh, I'm so jealous of you. I want that thing too. Right. And it takes away so much of the power and the shame, and, and we can do this with any emotion. I think anger, I'm, I'm interested to hear what you think about this, but I think anger is one, especially with women that we so often feel like we're not allowed to feel. Um, and especially in the, the. Um, B-I-P-O-C community, like an, like being angry is so bad and like this label that you get for being an angry person and mm-hmm. It's just like, okay, wait a second. No anger is. Is informative or anger is telling you something, right?

Kellyn Legaath:

Mm-hmm.

Kellyn Legath:

And to be able to open up to that and, and not put the umbrella of, oh, I'm, if I'm angry, I'm bad, or if I'm angry, I'm a crazy person, or

Kellyn Legaath:

mm-hmm.

Kellyn Legath:

Whatever it is, yeah. It, it will change everything because you, again, you won't be able to open up to something if there is a cage around it, right? Mm-hmm. If, if the story being told is this is absolutely bad and wrong. Then that's what will happen.

MaryAnn Walker:

Yeah. Yeah. So what I hear you saying basically is name it to tame it, like identify the emotion. Yeah. And then use the emotion as a cheat code to get information. I love that you call it a cheat code. This is how you level up people. You use this cheat code and it's so great. It really is. It really is like a code. Yeah, because, and that's one thing that we didn't do in the role play, but we've often done for each other in coaching is, all right, so now that we have felt the emotion, that's the next step is what is that emotion there to teach you?

Kellyn Legaath:

Yeah.

MaryAnn Walker:

And like you said with the jealousy, okay, well maybe that's showing me that I am in native nurturing, I'm in need of adventure. I'm in need of affection. I'm in need of, right? Like figuring out, oh, what is the thing that I am seeking? And, and then once you're able to identify it, again, it's the name entertainment. Once you know why it is that you're experiencing that emotion, then you can create change for yourself. Absolutely. And it also helps. To neutralize those emotions. So then instead of listing them as good or bad or masculine or feminine, or like the ones that we are allowed or not allowed to feel.

Kellyn Legaath:

Yeah.

MaryAnn Walker:

When we're just able to be curious about'em, like, okay, what emotion am I experiencing? Like most people are able to identify mad, sad, and glad they can identify three emotions, but what else is there? And getting curious about, okay. When we're curious, it automatically helps to neutralize them. We're not judging'em as much. When you're curious about it, it's like, oh, isn't that interesting? Like, oh look, resentment just showed up for me today. What is that about? Oh, this resentment is showing me that things are out of balance in this relationship. Then you have information to see. You have the cheat code, right? To see, okay, so now how can I create change? If I'm feeling like there's an imbalance and it's creating resentment, what do I need to do? Do I need to state a boundary? Do I need to make a request of them so that I feel like it's going both ways? What is it that I can do, which is so empowering. Once you're able to recognize, recognize that, okay, this is a cheat code to help me to get what I want, it's so empowering. It really, we feel disempowered when we're feeling the negative emotions. But if we can get curious and see what is it there to teach me? That's where the self-empowerment comes in.

Kellyn Legath:

Totally, totally. And I think this is one of the things that, uh. You know, you're looking, we're all looking for tools, right? Mm-hmm. We're like, what's, what's going on with me? I want this to go away. And, and it's like one, like you said, one of the most empowering tools to be like, oh, this is here. This is information. My body is so smart. My, this organism that we're living in is so smart that it's like. Hey, I'm gonna send you information. You're really angry because this is crossing a boundary for you.

Yeah.

Kellyn Legath:

And you know, sometimes we can't see it. Our body sends us signals and like, what a loving thing. You know? I think so often, depending on where you are with your relationship with emotions, it can feel like, oh, this is terrible. I don't wanna feel this way. And it's like, oh no, what a loving thing. That our bodies and our nervous systems are so smart that they're like, Hey, we're gonna send you a signal.

MaryAnn Walker:

Yeah.

Kellyn Legath:

To let you know, Hey, time to check in, check into your body.

MaryAnn Walker:

Yes. Yep. Yeah. And I've had so many clients where, you know, all, all different reasons. Either it's because they've been conditioned that they weren't allowed to have emotions, or maybe they were in a toxic relationship or it wasn't safe to experience emotions, but now they're in coaching. And they're feeling so tired again, the body keeps the score. They're feeling exhausted. They're feeling overwhelmed. They're wondering, okay, what is wrong with me? And I should be finished feeling these feelings because I'm no longer that person anymore. And it's like, okay, but you still have to feel and process the things that you suppressed for all those years. Yeah. Like we still need to dedicate some time and space to, okay, it's safe now to feel creating that personal safety. You know, there's lots of different ways that you can. Feel and process your emotions. Some people come to coaching, some people go to breath work, finding something that really resonates with you, spending time in nature. Um, right. Like, there are so many different ways that you can just create those safe spaces for yourself to feel in a process, but it can make a huge difference. Oh my

Kellyn Legath:

gosh. Absolutely. I, I think what you just hit on too is, is really interesting. You know, I, I tend to bring the inner child into the work that I do and mm-hmm. It's very future focused. But I think there's also an, you know, it's, it's really important to acknowledge sort of when the inner child is running the show and in that we, I tend to take inventory of. When you were little, what were you not allowed to feel?

Kellyn Legaath:

Hmm.

Kellyn Legath:

You know, and that's sort of your roadmap right away. I think, um, you know, for some people, positive emotion, they weren't allowed to feel right. They weren't allowed to be overexcited because mom and dad said, you're being loud, and that's rude, right?

Kellyn Legaath:

Mm-hmm. So

Kellyn Legath:

suddenly they're in adulthood and they're like, oh, I, I don't get, I don't like to get too excited. And then you end up missing out on processing the positive emotions. And we can kind of move into that too, like. You know once, because you're not POS processing negative emotions, you're surely not pro processing positive ones. Yeah. And to be, well, once you sit with the negative, you start to open up to the positive more. And I think like there have been so many instances where. I am having a, such a great experience and I'm able to tap into my body and be like, oh my God, doesn't, doesn't joy feel so good? You know, doesn't,

it's,

Kellyn Legath:

you know, doesn't love just feel amazing and we know it feels good, but to be able to sit with it and really experience it, your, your whole life opens up in such a different way.

MaryAnn Walker:

I love that so much because I think that we have this belief that we can selectively numb emotions. We think, okay, if I can just numb the negative emotions, then I'll be fine. But we can't selectively numb the emotions. And so it is by default that we're, we're preventing ourselves from experiencing that joy. And, and I love what you shared about that. I really want my listeners to be thinking about, have I shamed myself for my positive or negative emotions? You know, have I shamed myself or no, I'm not allowed to celebrate myself. I'm not allowed to celebrate my successes. I'm not allowed to be happy. It's childish to be happy and playful and excited about things. Yeah. Um, so just as we label emotions as, oh, well, you know, uh, white women aren't allowed to experience that emotion. It's like, no, we, we've like, we've narrowed it down. So it's like, oh no, that one's childish. That one, only men are allowed to feel that one is overused by women. You know, we tend to, right, right. To have so much judgments around it. So I love that you brought that up to just create space for feeling. And I think even if you're not in a space, you know, maybe you do want to come to coaching to help to identify the emotions that you would like support feeling. But you could start today. I mean, just pick any emotion. Uh, I think of one. Yeah. Yeah. I purchased an emotions book for my kids and for a while we would just. Pick an emotion at the dinner table. We'd flip open, pick an emotion, we'd take turns who was picking it, and we would just get curious about it. Have you ever felt that emotion before? What did it feel like for you? It gave my kids the vocabulary and also provided a space where we could just feel those emotions. Then we'd be able, better able to recognize even in the body. Okay, am I experiencing nervousness or excitement? They're very similar in the body. Yeah. Okay. And then, okay. Nope, this one is more excited. So it feels a lot like nervousness, but I'm mostly excited about doing this thing. And then you can nurture the ones that you choose into.

Kellyn Legath:

Totally. Your emotional vocabulary grows so intensely. I, I think to your point, uh, you know, there was a time where I was so anxious and I kept saying, this is anxiety, this is anxiety, this is anxiety. And then when I felt into it more, and, and again, I can't. I can't stress enough how this is a dance between mind and body, right? What am I thinking that's making me feel this way? What am I feeling? Like? It's sort of, it, it, there's, it's an art, right? Mm-hmm. Not a science. It's sort of a back and forth and staying curious and checking in. But you know, as I, I move through my process and. I was like, oh, I'm saying everything is anxiety. I just bucketed because I believe that I was an anxious person. Right, right. Again, think of how we relate to ourselves. Mm-hmm. If we tell these stories of, oh, I'm anxious, then anytime an emotion happens, you're anxious. Right. Yeah, and, and I started to tune in and I'm like. But yeah, I'm like feeling it in my throat, oh, this is anger that feels different and, and you can start to peel apart and differentiate and, and understand yourself on just such a different level.

MaryAnn Walker:

Yeah. I love that you said that because so often. Around this resistance around emotions. It's interesting to really break it down like, okay, well yes, I'm feeling nervous and anxious and uncomfortable, but why? Yeah. Oh, it's because I'm trying something new. Like even noting that as you are practicing feeling your emotions. Yeah. Noticing, okay, I'm going to be experiencing resistance because this is new for me.

Yeah. But

MaryAnn Walker:

that form of discomfort is so worth it to just know that, okay, my body has become so familiar with the grief, the anger, the resentment. It's, it's become so familiar to me that it almost feels like a safe little wooy. Yeah. Yeah. Where it's like I want to clinging to that emotion because it feels familiar, and therefore my nervous system says that it's safe, but it's not serving you. Right. And practicing the discomfort of, I'm going to lean into curiosity. I'm gonna get curious about that resentment. I'm gonna get curious about why I'm so angry. I'm gonna look at what things are and are not in my control, and just see how things move for me. Being willing to be just a little bit uncomfortable as you practice this. Like that is an emotion. I hope all of you are taking away from this is I'm willing to be uncomfortable enough to experience full joy.

Kellyn Legath:

Totally. Oh, what a good, oh, what a good sentiment. Yeah. And even as you're saying that, I'm like, discomfort, discomfort's. One of the best emotions to kind of, to take inventory on. Yeah. Right. I like to say take inventory, but like, am I willing to feel discomfort? Can I tolerate discomfort in my body?

MaryAnn Walker:

Mm-hmm.

Kellyn Legath:

You know, and, and just start, even start there.

MaryAnn Walker:

Yeah. Yep. Because all good things start out as kind of uncomfortable in the beginning, right? When you're They do. It's a little uncomfortable, but it's okay. It's okay.

Kellyn Legaath:

It'll be okay. Yeah. All right.

MaryAnn Walker:

Well, we're running low on time. So is the, what's your main takeaway from this conversation, Kellyn? What's one thing that you really want our listeners to feel into? Yeah. I think the biggest thing is understanding that.

Kellyn Legath:

Emotions. They're, they're not here to hurt you. Sometimes they can feel so bad and it can feel, and, and it's the resistance that hurts, right? I think we haven't really tapped into that, but, but maybe this is the perfect closing, right? It's not the emotion that hurts us, it's the resistance to the emotion. Sadness is not that bad when you, when you open up to it, but when you're pushing it and pushing it and carrying those rocks in your backpack and trying to jump on that beach ball. It, it's really painful.

Yeah. Um,

Kellyn Legath:

and, and if you've done that your whole life again, it makes so much sense. It's how we're, we're, um, taught, but try something different. Mm-hmm. Try something different and open up and just, you'll see how much the opening up, um, allows it to be there and just, it will change your life really. Yeah. Emotions are the most important thing.

MaryAnn Walker:

Yeah. Um,

Kellyn Legath:

that we have.

MaryAnn Walker:

I love that. Yeah, and I think that maybe that's the first emotion you choose to sit with is just why am I resisting feeling this emotion? Yeah. Sit with that resistance and even using that as a cheat code, right? Using all of the emotions as a cheat code. That's my main takeaway. Kellyn was you saying that emotions are cheat code. I love that

Kellyn Legaath:

you are. They're,

MaryAnn Walker:

yeah, they're, and

Kellyn Legath:

it's beautiful pieces of, of information, right? Mm-hmm. If we go back to the sadness of a relationship, like. That sadness is showing you so much. Yeah. That's showing you that relationship mattered to you, that you deeply cared for that other person, that you really have a desire to be in relationship. That's so much information, right? Yeah. And we can't access that wisdom if we're like, I shouldn't be sad. This is stupid. I, that guy was terrible. And you know, we're, we're blaming our emotions on other people. Mm-hmm. We can't access all that beautiful wisdom.

MaryAnn Walker:

Yeah. Which brings us back to, I love this, this has now come full circle, which brings us back to the difference between positive thinking and emotional bypassing is remembering that. Positive thinking is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. So when we're only focusing on how uncomfortable that emotion is, we're forgetting the beauty that comes from it. We're forgetting to look at and isn't it beautiful that that grief is showing me how much love was there? Isn't it beautiful that, um, that jealousy is showing me what it is that I want to be seeking out in a relationship? It's showing me what my green flags are, but recognizing that, okay, what's the whole truth here? And, and opening yourself up to that. Totally. Yeah.

Kellyn Legath:

I love it.

MaryAnn Walker:

Well, thank you so much for being here, everybody, and if you would like some help and support learning how to sit with your emotions, um, feel free to reach out to me. Feel free to reach out to Kellyn. Kellyn. How can they find you? Um, you can find me on Instagram. I'm at Daydreamer Coaching or daydreamer coaching.com. Awesome. Thank you so much for being here. I'll put all of her information in the show notes as well as a link to the book. The Body Keeps the Score. I highly recommend. So yeah, thank you so much for being here, and I'll see you next week. See you soon. Bye. Bye.